I have been waiting for this call for days now. I was in my cubicle at work when the assault began. A 1 800 number appeared on my phone and I answered it very cautiously.
“Hi this is Samona from Bright Angel, a subsidiary of Gemini Techies. To whom am I speaking with sir?” Sputtering like an excited prop plane, I bolted from my seat and was running down the narrow hallway trying to withhold the burst of justice I was about to unleash. I hit the left hard as I speed walked through the printer room and out to the main hall near the bathrooms.
” Sir,” she said “Do you authorize Gemini Techies to deposit that check?” Before she could finish I was standing outside the men’s room and poured on the truth.
“I do not authorize you to take any of my money. You are a con artist, Travis Parker is a con artist and I have taken my computer into a Microsoft store to have your unwelcome stain on my life removed.”
She responded in haste. “Sir we are not a scam but a third party certified technician…
“Microsoft does not have third party technicians,” I interrupted.
I wiped the foam from my mouth as someone walked by to go to the bathroom. They were not in my department so I continued. This has been cooking inside me for a while now. Obvious to everyone but me in this world, I got scammed.
A well-orchestrated scam, well-orchestrated to me and anyone over the age of 80, to pretend your computer was held hostage by someone and the hero, the Gemini Techies who swept in on a midnight raid to save the princess, were actually the villains. It is called Ransom Ware and it’s terrible but, before I continue, I need to offer an apology. Now recognizing the source of my plight, I would like to say sorry to Putin and the Japanese as they had nothing to do with sending a Nintendo game into my computer to hold it hostage. In jumping to conclusions and calling out blame, I should be man enough to admit that I was wrong with these accusations. However, pouring out a little to New Jersey, my motherland, I still make rights to make lefts. Back to justice.
That fateful night, I called the bank to block the check, changed all our passwords and set up an appointment for our wounded Lenovo at the Microsoft store. With stamps on the cameras, we settled down on the couch exhausted. Staring at the wall in disbelief, I pondered whether we were really going to live under a bridge eating rotten watermelon. I mentally packed our car with essentials and contemplated how one acquires rotten watermelon in the winter months. With everything I could possibly do with the sun down, I waited for the confirmation call 48 hours later.
“Sir please we do not scam people.” Samona kept insisting that I was in the wrong.
“When I brought the computer into the Microsoft Store, they specifically said that there are no certified third party technicians and that this little scam of yours happens all the time.” I was rolling now I thought. Rolling because I had been dealing with this nonsense all week rather than working on the book. Now only are you trying to take my money Samona, but you’re messing with my dreams girl. Her voice brought me back to the conversation at hand.
“Sir, we are certified and skilled in this type of virus removal.”
“I also have a special set of skills,” I said. Then I stopped to ponder this phrase. After a moment of grace, a smile emerged on my face. This was the path I wanted to take. “And I am not afraid to use them should you try to deposit that check.” Samona was silent as I continued. “I would recommend that you stay as far away as possible from my bank account or else we will have to meet again, in person.”
The silence hung heavy and I wondered if she was considering the reality of my threat or the accuracy of my Liam Neeson impersonation. Either way, we both slowly faded off the phone as I left the conversation with a confident good bye, confident in my special set of skills….
What are my special set of skills you ask? Beats me yet this attack has kept me from pouring on the cool on a consistent, weekly basis. However this interlude is necessary as I don’t think scholarship is best done under siege or history during battle. These are endeavors to be had once the dust settles. The feigned Putin attack has dissipated and my life slowly eases back to its sense of normalcy. Stay tuned for next week as I pour on the scholarship for our last and final installment of Spike and Ray’s cannibal encounter.